(Editor’s Note: We continue our new Saturday Morning column known as “Saturday Morning Report” and yes, we blew a big portion of our budget into marketing research for that title. This report comes from a person who only wishes to be known to all of us as “JetsNation Insiderr” .. Again, personally I question the validity of this report and this person’s sources, but I am not at all an “insiderr” so what would I or any of us “non-insiderrs” know anyway? -Art)
In documents obtained by JetsNation late Friday night, it’s been revealed that the Edmonton Oilers have not only spent the last 11 years working on a cloning program, but that they may have already had a breakthrough and may have already had just completed a successful season with their first clone.
Dubbed the “H.O.P.E. Project” the documents reveal that the Oilers have tried to clone their most successful and popular players for some time now, and after a series of failures, may have finally come up with a breakthrough.
Sources indicate that the first of these cloning attempts took place back in 2006 when the club tried to create multiple Ales Hemskys.
“They were able to indeed replicate his smooth skating and play-making abilities,” stated the source “but when repeatedly told to shoot the puck on net, the cloned Hemskys would go into fits of panic and give the puck away to the opposing teams with one pass too many.”
Documents also made note of another cloning attempt in 2012 which our source has also verified.
“At the time Nail Yakupov looked like a new hybrid of power forward that would be the envy of every team, so the Oilers quickly worked on developing clones of him, but due to the age of Rexall Place, an accident happened which destroyed the most of the Yakupovs including the original, as well as the jar holding Mark Messier’s willingness to not sell out to advertisers. The club quietly replaced the first Nail with the one clone they managed to save, but he was only at 45% of the talent level of the authentic Nail, kept malfunctioning and this led to Dallas Eakins constantly yelling at him.”
While the “H.O.P.E. Project” has ran into a decade of failures, last year saw finally a little bit of success.
“They did manage to produce a clone of Connor McDavid a while ago in a small trial run, but the coding was off a little bit. They got the height and weight about right, but the clone wasn’t nearly as skilled as the original Connor and the clone also talked in a funny German accent, so they dubbed him Leon Draisaitl and as you know that clone went on to have some success of his own this past season.”
A second document obtained by JetsNation and shown below reveals that the Oilers ultimate goal is to have a team of almost nothing but McDavids.
(Ed note: Yup, checks out. That’s the letterhead the Oilers Hockey Club uses alright. -Art)
“Connor was a surprisingly good goalie back in grade six when he played goal in floor hockey games during gym class.”
When asked if the inclusion of Milan Lucic to the all-McDavid lineup was a mistake, the source confirmed that it was not a mistake at all.
“Oilers GM Peter Chiarelli doesn’t believe that even a team full of Connor McDavids would be able to withstand the grind of a full playoffs without at least a little toughness in the lineup, so Lucic is still on this roster.”
The source behind the documents then added as a final comment, “Besides, the program is only meant to clone 20 McDavids and knowing Pete, ya know with Connor being a first overall pick and everything, he’ll probably want to trade at least one of the McDavids, possibly for a second line defenseman.”