(Editor’s Note: This morning we debut a new column known as our “Saturday Morning Report” from a person who only wishes to be known to you as “JetsNation Insiderr” .. I have had several conversations with this person and feel they will be a welcome addition to our writing team, although to be completely honest with you, I don’t recall any of this person’s ‘report’ having ever actually happened. This person did say they are an “Insiderr” though, so they likely know better than any of us. -Art)
In a stunning development late Friday night, Calgary Sports and Entertainment Corporation president Ken King called upon his most drastic tactic in the hopes of convincing different levels of government to help fund a brand new arena in Calgary.
“We knew you guys weren’t going to buy our relocation threat because why would we ever leave? Calgary is a fine city and besides, where else are we going to go? Quebec City? We want to keep this franchise in Canada at the very least!” said Mr. King laughing.
After it was pointed out by a reporter that Quebec City is in Canada, Mr. King simply rolled his eyes and scoffed.
“So, we were never going to leave,” Mr. King continued, “But real talk though? We really do need a new arena for reasons like being able to get the really cool concerts and to add that 4000 pound fake mustache to the Lanny MacDonald banner we’ve been planning to do for years… And because those guys up north (The Edmonton Oilers) just had one handed to them, so why can’t we be handed a nice new thing too?”
When asked just how the Flames organization would look to convince city and provincial officials into giving tax payer money to fund an arena along the banks of the Bow River in the city’s West Village, Ken King shuffled his feet and looked downward.
“We plan on simply holding our breath until we get our way. We feel it’s the most mature and responsible thing going forward in our talks with Calgary City Council”
When pointed out by a reporter that holding ones breath actually seemed like a childish thing to do, Mr. King stomped his foot really loudly on the ground.
“Look, it was either this, or we fly in a reporter or two from Edmonton who we assume were on the Oilers payroll to whip up public opinion in favor of their hockey club and a new building. We already have a couple of local guys doing that here, but nobody does passive-aggressive like Edmonton reporters! Sadly they aren’t available, so this is the next best thing.”
Mr. King then invited questions from the gathered press, the first of which asked was when the breath holding would go into effect.
“Right about..” Mr. King gasped as he breathed in deep, “NOW!”
After that deceleration, Ken King began holding his breath while reporters continued to ask questions that he did not answer because of said breath holding.
After 30 seconds of questions and then uncomfortable silence, Ken let out an exasperated breath followed by a last statement.
“I can’t answer your questions now, I am holding my breath, this conference is over, please have a good day.” Exclaimed King followed by another deep inhale and resumption of holding his breath.
When reached for a response to the latest demands of the Flames President, Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi stated “C’mon Ken.. Ken please.. Don’t do this Ken. You don’t need to hold… Ken, I can’t talk to you if you hold.. Ken, please resume breathing normally Ken.”