December 02 2013 05:30AM
Folks, I’m on a mission. I’m here to evolve Jets fandom and take us all to the next level of enthusiasm for cheering on our sporadically thrilling team! Below is a list of recommended enhancements to our fan experience. The incorporation of any or all of these will make you a better fan and absolutely a better person. Let’s do this, Jetsons!!
The new name for Jets fans! Like “Cheeseheads” or “Raidernation” or “Beliebers”, we need a unifying moniker. Copyright be damned, this is a humanitarian uprising! When you’re at the game, are you a George, a Jane, a Judy or an Elroy? No, you can’t be an Astro or a Rosie, don’t be ridiculous! They’re a dog and a robot, silly goose!
George: Jersey-wearing, face-painting mega-fan. Has elaborate schemes to work around the beer-serving limits at MTS Centre, likely involving secret pockets in the jersey or an oversized hoody. Thinks Schiefele is as good as John Tavares. Has had a lot of pre-game weed.
Jane: There because her boyfriend/husband/Judy dragged her there. Angry that she’s missing The Bachelor. Drunk on vodka smuggled in Ziplock bags in her bra.
Judy: “Omigod, I would totally do it with Setoguchi, he’s super hot. Devin!! Deviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!!! I love you! I loooooooooooooove you! I’m gonna send him an instragram of my bodypaint.”
Elroy: A dreamer. A free spirit. George is passing along a proud tradition of fandom. When Elroy is 16, he will reject all of this and pursue his passion for modern dance. George will wonder if he made him gay. Elroy will tell him, “When you say things like that, I wonder how I could have ever respected you!” Jane sips her “bra-dka” quietly in the ladies washroom.
Good Lord, there has been a perfect song waiting in the “Wings” for over 30 years, people! Take the chorus and make it yours, Winnipeg! “Jets! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo... Jets!!” Instead of the 6th man, you can become the 5th Beatle. This is the best idea I’ve ever had about anything.
When your favourite player erupts for a two-point night or a positive Corsi rating, they need to hear those props by name! These recommendations are specifically designed for Jets broadcasters, but Jetsons should feel more than welcome to add them to their lexicon at home or at the game!
“That’s why the Laddy is a tramp!’’
“Al-Ladd-in lights the lamp!”
“That Ladd just scored a man’s goal!”
“An-drew up a portrait of a perfect pass and it’s so lifelike, it’s downright terrifying!!”
“Big things come in Little packages!”
“Littlest Hobo saves the day again! Good dog! Good dog!”
“Little-whittle-spin-and-spittle, Bryan leaves those goalies cryin’!”
“Under the sea, there’s no barnacles on that Little Mermaid! That goal wasn’t part of our world – it was OUT of this world!”
“Big Daddy Kane does it again! There’s ain’t no half-steppin’ in his game!”
“Adam raised a Kane! Is there any more Abel player in today’s NHL?!”
“That’s a class #9 hurri-Kane, folks, and it’s gonna wipe out your infrastructure and drown your loved ones!”
“The Evander-in-Chief just ordered a precision strike on the visiting team! Chalk up another victim of that man’s foreign policy!”
“Steelers Wheel, you don’t wanna get stuck in the middle with him, he will crush you!”
“My heart is like a Wheel, let me roll it to you!” (**Excellent McCartney-related lead in to the new theme song!**)
“Blake and you’ll miss it, folks that is a lightning fast wrist shot!”
“Blake’s 7 is a relatively obscure British science fiction show you probably haven’t seen... Wheeler scores!!”
“Did you see that play? I must be in Devin-th Heaven!”
“That’s no cheap knock-off, Real Housewives of Winnipeg, that’s authentic Guchi!”
“Everyday, I’m Byfuglien, Byfuglien!” (LMFAO edition)
“Beauty goal! That’s just Star-Dustin my eyes!”
“Upsize that meal, Dustin’s hungry tonight!”
“Head Smashed In Byfuglien Jump! That hit was off the cliff!!”
“Jokinnen! The J makes a Y sound – Why can’t his game be that sound on a regular basis?”
“Frolik-i-deeky! That Czech is sneaky!”
“The Enstrom justifies any means! That cross-check is 2 minutes for the greater good!”
“Stop being terrible!”
“Steal my helmet and pour a beer on me, Pardy stopped a breakway!”
“Well, Pavelec o’ my lolipop! Ondrej just took that shooter to the candy shop and all they came away with was a stale box of shutout!”
“Monty Burns another shooter! Eeeeeexcellent.”
Not just the name of the hippest Jets podcast in the land, The Jetstream is also a Jet-themed audience participation “happening”! Who doesn’t love The Wave? The Wave is a cultural high watermark of group standing and sitting in sequence. I dare say it’s the Baryshnikov of the stand-sit world. Other, less popular stand-sits like “The Death Rattle” or “The Hamster Ball” have never really taken flight in North America, though some, like “Tsunami” and “Pacquiao Thunder” have proven resilient in Japan and the Philippines respectively. Well, stand-sitters, get ready for the stadium shaking excitement of The Jetstream! The maneuver is simple:
- The fans of the SE corner of the stadium (upper deck only – this is crucial!) will start the motors on their smoke machines (generously provided by Doreen’s Party Magic, “Making Parties Magic Since 1978!” Thanks, Doreen – Go Jet ‘em!) creating a heady billow that will fill the area in approximately 46 seconds.
- Fans in the SE lower deck will then fire up their leaf blowers (John K. Samson’s Hardware & Poetry Emporium – yer aces, Johnny!) that will begin to distribute the smoke in an N x NW direction, using the prevailing stadium currents to create a virtual cloud in the MTS centre!
- As the cloud progresses, fans in successive seating areas will swing their arms vigorously in a syncopated windmill motion – from the shoulder, spinning clockwise. This will accelerate the fog’s circulation, mimicking the trail of a passing jet fighter!
- Whoosh! During the windmill, it’s important to perform a hearty and tonally accurate onomatopoeia to create the aural sensation of a passing F18. Continue until out of breath or unforeseen asphyxiation. Rev up your propellers, Jetsons, let’s take a ride on the Jetstream!
Most nights don’t end with the result we’d hope for; some nights are rousing successes. Either way, it’s important to remember in these turbulent and Godless times that we are all Jetsons. Be ye a George, a Jane, a Judy or an Elroy (No! No, Astro, I told you!!) we are all a modern space-age family of hockey fans. Turn to your left: give ‘em a squeeze. Turn to your right: a nod of compassion and a good, strong embrace. Soon you will shuffle out dizzy from cheap beer and hoarse from referee scolding. Take a moment to feel the warmth of the human spirit coursing through the veins of another spent-armed, Jetstreamed Jetson. Rest your weary head on each other’s shoulder. Sweetoguchi.