October 10 2013 03:35AM
This season The Jets have hired Sports Psychologist and Life Coach, Dr. Gary Barnard to help focus and motivate the team. We’re fortunate enough to have been granted access to these closed-door meetings. Here is the transcript for Dr. Gary’s session with the team in preparation for the Oct.10 game against the Minnesota Wild.
Okay, guys, come on in and take a seat. Yeah, that’s right, on the floor, anywhere you like, just grab one of the pillows from the bin. You like those? My mother embroidered the Jets logo on them for me. Those pillows were only 2 bucks a pop at Target. True story. Everyone here? Great, great. So you might see right off the bat that this not going to be a regular team meeting, it’s more of an informal rap session. This is an open space for open hearts. We’re going to talk about feelings like fear and ambition and success – well, I guess success isn’t a feeling, per se, but if you don’t know what success feels like then how are you going to know what success… feels like?
Okay, scrap that, you know what I’m getting at. Slogans don’t matter here, winning does, am I right? I mean, it’s not the only thing, of course, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea, as if all that matters in life is winning. There’s also trust and loyalty and unconditional love like you might get from a pet or a small child before they know words like “jerk” and “puss-puss”, which really is surprisingly early, even 5 or 6 so… well, winning is primarily what we came here today to rap about!
Things are looking promising this year, hey? Two wins? Two out of three is not too shabby, boys, not too shabby at all. And I know you took it on the chin the other night against those Mighty Ducks, but we’re gonna put it behind us. That was a fun movie, wasn’t it, The Mighty Ducks? I still have a VHS copy actually stuck in my VCR. Literally stuck, I can’t eject it or pry it out and it’s a nice VCR too, a Toshiba, so I don’t want to damage it. The kids don’t mind. They’re on the Playstation all day. I’m like, “We only get every second weekend, guys, you sure you don’t want to go out and toss the pigskin around with ol’ Dad instead of killing zombies all day?” It’s like I’m a ghost, they don’t even… so, The Ducks beat you to a few pucks. That’s okay. What do we do when we fall down? We get back up and we score goals. Or stop goals if you’re a goalie. Or, I guess, defense is about stopping too but you can also score so… we get back up!
Let’s look at our next opponent: The Minnesota Wild. Hmmm… I knew someone from Minnesota, or at least I thought I did. They weren’t very wild, I can tell you that. Hey? Interesting word, right? Wild? The “fearsome” Minnesota Wild. Are they truly wild, fellas? Think about that? How wild are they? What’s more fearsome: the wild - the banal, inconstant wild, like some dead-eyed bunny in the forest having sex willy-nilly or… is it a Goddamned Jet? A supersonic F-16 fighter Jet, raining down missiles and machine gun fire right down the middle of main street, St. Paul! Right onto their stupid downtown loft apartments!! Sorry, I mean, army, enemies, bad… bad people. Whoosh! Rat-at-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-a!! Booooooom!! Yeah, you see where I’m going! You guys are Jets! You are war machines! You’re fast and explosive and you’re going to bomb the ever-loving Christ out of those little bunnies. Make a crater out of Minnesota; see how much bunny likes it then! With their ridiculous, indecisive Twin Cities and their Purple Rain and their high school boyfriend, Greg. You think Greg still wants your dried up old bunny pelt, you Harpy?! You had a duplex and a leased Hyundai! Greg doesn’t even have walls! Seriously, what kind of adult lives in a loft?
I’m sorry, guys, I just came from a meeting with my divorce lawyer, it’s all still a little raw. Where were we? Oh, right, The Wild. Guys, they haven’t even won a game in regulation yet, and they’re coming fresh off a loss to the Predators. They’re weak. They’re all either washed up old vets like Olli Jokinen or untested kids like Jacob Trouba. Oh, sorry, I’m reading the wrong roster sheet… uh… Heatly and Coyle? No, he’s hurt, apparently. Heatly and… Zucker. Sure, Zucker, he’s new, right? Hey, guys… guys? Eyes on me, seriously, all eyes on me. Put your phones away. This is not for Twitter, this is for us, in here.
You want to be champions, right? You gotta set your sights high, boys, really high! Like, try to look up as far as you can until it hurts your eyeballs and then look higher still! That higher place is inside of you. That’s right. Now, close your eyes. That’s you looking inside of you. And I want to know what you see. Is it a cold, industrial loft or is it the duplex of your dreams? Are you a frightened little bunny or a Top Gun fighter jock? Are you oiled up and ready for volleyball or are you just buzzing the tower? Right? Top Gun? You’ve never seen it? Really? Come on. Everyone’s seen… okay, well, I tell you what, I’ll bring it in. Ah, no, I only have it on VHS. Unless, Coach, can we get a VCR in here for next time? We can? Great, mine’s… right. You guys will see what I mean. What’s important to remember is that you can beat these guys. It’s entirely plausible. Say it with me. “We can beat these guys. It’s entirely plausible!” Good stuff! Hey, guys. You’re Jets. Fighter Jets. Weapons of mass destruction. Shock and Awe. Shock ‘em. Awe ‘em. Jet ‘em. Yeah, Go Jet ‘em! Jet those guys. Jet them right into that crater in stupid St.Paul where nobody wants to live anyway.
Okay, guys, we’ll see you next time. If you could just put the pillows back in the bin, it saves me – guys? Okay, no problem, you’re in a rush. I’ll take care of the pillows. Good rap session, guys. Whoosh…heh. Go Jet ‘em. That’s a thing, right, Coach? You can “jet” someone? I’ll work on it.
Dr. Gary Barnard is an internationally renowned Motivationist and author of three best-selling books: “The Power of Eventually”, “Becoming Stupendous” and Book 1 of the Moon Children Trilogy, “ Lair of The Crystal Spider” (writing as Chandler Parallax). For more information, contact firstname.lastname@example.org.