YOU AINT GOT NOTHING

Wanye
January 09 2013 03:48PM

Welly. Welly. Welly. If our old friends at Bodog didn't release the odds of winning the Stanley Cup now that the lockout has ended - a mere 145 months after it began. Good news in these parts up here in Edmonton, because it confirms something we already knew - The Oilers are awesome.

Yes, despite what consecutive years of 30th, 31st, 30th and 29th might tell you the Mighty Oil are on a massive upswing and the rest of you Canadian hockey fans must be just green with envy. You think your team is good? You think you are some kind of Pimp?

You ain't nothing. We feel like Datta Phuge these days - King Pimp of Pimp Island.

CHECK THIS GUY OUT

So what you got fans of other teams? Couple decent players? Some sort of fancy car? Maybe a nice watch? Well in Edmonton we are rolling in a solid gold shirt these days.

You read that right: A SOLID GOLD SHIRT:

Datta Phuge, a chit fund businessman from Pimpri, India, refers to himself as “The Gold Man of Pimpri” and in order to live up to this image, he has recently commissioned a 22-karat gold shirt weighing 3.2 kilograms that’s bound to make some Western rappers green with envy.

Datta Phuge totally speaks to us. This guy gets it. He has swagger, class and all the humility that one would expect from a resident of a town called Pimpri.

NOW BACK TO YOU

As the fan of a team that is no longer statisically favoured to come in last place we now have an embarassment of riches on our hands. And when you are no longer last it is your duty - nay your very destiny - to bash the others in the league.

VANCOUVER: 9-1 ODDS

Kesler hurt. Sedins still weirdo sissy twins and getting older by the day. Luongo on his way out of town for heavens knows what in return. You may have won the Western Conference - its hard to recall it was so long ago - but the team is definitely past its prime.

You may finish above the Mighty Oil this year but we wouldn't trade rosters with you if you threw in Lindsay Lohan circa 2004 to sweeten the deal.

CALGARY: 50-1 ODDS

Flames fans are a lot like this fella. Living in a dream world and making believe that a stack of ones is something to floss with. Except that if this kid was actually was the Flames, he would be 157 years old and would be contractually prohibited from moving across the street.

The Flames might put a streak together here or there but rest assured they are well on their way to a slow painful decline. Couldn't happen to a better City if you ask us.

WINNIPEG: 50-1 ODDS

We actually have no beef with you Winnipeg. We are happy to have you back in the NHL and we know that Jets fans have blown the doors off all expectations for franchise support. Good luck to you this season - you get a free pass.

For now.

TORONTO: 30-1 ODDS

Want a free pass too? Screw you Toronto. You don't get a free anything. In fact you are exactly like this guy. All the money in the world and just embarassing yourself with how you spend it. We all get it. You have a lot of money to throw around. And you spend it like you are the Dean of Economics at Allen Iverson University.

Sure you may land Luongo and you did snag Phaneuf but it's all such an expensive classless mess that you end up looking like a dude walking down the street with 100 watches but you don't even know what time it is.

Plus you fired Burke today. What's up with that?

MONTREAL: 30-1 ODDS

We are a little bit shocked at Montreal isn't higher up on the bodog depth chart. Aren't you decent? What the heck is going on out there? We can't be bothered to look it up what is going on out there exactly but we can only conclude that you have been swindled somewhere along the line and bought something you thought was sick and turned out to be crap.

Suckers.

OTTAWA: 40-1 ODDS

 

Ah Ottawa. Just like the Mighty Oil, you too had the divine wisdom once upon a time to finish in the bottom rung for a long time and stockpiled talent up to the rafters. Then you frittered it away, bet on the wrong horses and now Alfie is going to retire at some point soon and you will be left with fond rememberances of how you once had the world by the tail.

You once were hot and now you definitely are not. And you have absolutely no idea. Classic Ottawa.

BACK TO EDMONTON BEING AWESOME

This is how we are rolling this season. Hard as hell, rockin a jewel encrusted solid gold shirt and surely the envy of all the world.

Let's get the show started so it can be proven beyond a doubt. 

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 I'm a Scientist!
January 09 2013, 03:50PM
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IT IS ONLY 3:31, BUT THIS WAS POSTED AT 3:48.

Conclusion: Wanye has a time machine!

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WANYE? WHEN WILL NUGE HIT PUBERTY? WHERE DO THE OILERS FINISH? SETH JONES OR NATHAN MACKINNON?

EDIT: According to my post, it is actually 3:50, while my computer, phone and clock on the wall say otherwise. Meh, 20 minutes closer to quittin' time!

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#2 Rob Robertson
January 09 2013, 04:01PM
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This was hilarious (coming from a Canucks fan).

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#4 The Towel Boy
January 09 2013, 04:07PM
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Who saw this coming?!?™

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#6 geoilersgist
January 09 2013, 04:16PM
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THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!

GO OILERS!!

WHERES THE FIST??

*LOUD NOISES*

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#7 Matt Henderson
January 09 2013, 04:19PM
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SPORTS ILLUSTRATED HAS US 3RD IN THE ENTIRE NHL.

3RD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF THIS CONTINUES I MIGHT NEED TO GO TO CAPS LOCK REHAB!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#8 Kevin R
January 09 2013, 04:23PM
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Ahhh nice the preseason hype & excitement. Maybe your wealth of talent have all growed up & should now be able to shoulder the responsibilty of "expectation". Thing about expectation is it hurts more when your superpups fall flat on their beaks or collide & bang heads with each other:) :) :)No more free passes for you Oiler pondscums.:)

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#9 Eulers
January 09 2013, 04:26PM
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Sports Illustrated is on crack. No way the OIlers should be 3rd with Detroit in 12th and Sharks in 23rd.

BTW, is it just me, or does Wanye forget that key piece of info: the Oilers' odds of winning the cup?

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#11 rubbertrout
January 09 2013, 04:28PM
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Kevin R wrote:

Ahhh nice the preseason hype & excitement. Maybe your wealth of talent have all growed up & should now be able to shoulder the responsibilty of "expectation". Thing about expectation is it hurts more when your superpups fall flat on their beaks or collide & bang heads with each other:) :) :)No more free passes for you Oiler pondscums.:)

Boo.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!

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#12 rubbertrout
January 09 2013, 04:29PM
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Wanye wrote:

THE ODDS ARE 2-1 MY FRIEND. AT MOST.

I was thinking 3/2 sounds more like it. That assumes a boatload of injuries and having to rely on Khabby/Dubby in net.

The Cup seems to me to be a foregone conclusion.

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#13 Robin's Bastard Child
January 09 2013, 04:30PM
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Well Wanye, that Indian dude's family and neighbors are probably laughing at him. 22k gold is useless in India.

Buy a 24k shirt or go home, bitches!

But yeah, I just came here to SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Can we start planning the parade route? Adrian Dater seems to think we're the 3rd best in the league for now!

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#14 David S
January 09 2013, 04:34PM
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Holy! A Wanye classic! All we need is Deep Oil and Jeanshorts chirping in and it'll be 2009 here on the site all over again.

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#15 I'm a Scientist!
January 09 2013, 04:39PM
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David S wrote:

Holy! A Wanye classic! All we need is Deep Oil and Jeanshorts chirping in and it'll be 2009 here on the site all over again.

Sigh. I was a 'somebody' on this site in 2009. Those were the days.

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#16 Mantastic
January 09 2013, 04:40PM
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another solid gold classic, written none-other than Wanye!

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#17 SickFloBro
January 09 2013, 04:46PM
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...really? I feel like my IQ dropped about 10 points after reading this entry. Is the Nation Network letting ANYONE write for them nowadays? Yikes...

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#18 Kent Wilson
January 09 2013, 04:50PM
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Well done.

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#20 Kent Wilson
January 09 2013, 04:51PM
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@SickFloBro

Hahaha...I assume you know Wanye owns the network...

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#21 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
January 09 2013, 04:57PM
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Matt Henderson wrote:

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED HAS US 3RD IN THE ENTIRE NHL.

3RD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF THIS CONTINUES I MIGHT NEED TO GO TO CAPS LOCK REHAB!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT DSF SAID THE WILD WERE SO GOOD AND THE OILERS SUCKED SUCH BIG BALLS

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#22 Chris
January 09 2013, 05:01PM
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The best part about the season starting is that the 'last results' box will be updated. I've had to see that 3-0 Canucks score for 9 months. Terrible.

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#23 David S
January 09 2013, 05:02PM
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SickFloBro wrote:

...really? I feel like my IQ dropped about 10 points after reading this entry. Is the Nation Network letting ANYONE write for them nowadays? Yikes...

Sounds like someone who really can't afford to lose those ten points.

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#24 Senator Theo
January 09 2013, 05:04PM
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That gold shirt is cool, but I'd worry that it might come off as a bit flashy to some people.

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#25 Sanaa Montana
January 09 2013, 05:05PM
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David S wrote:

Sounds like someone who really can't afford to lose those ten points.

I apologize but I was only able to give you one prop.

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#26 @Gingras34
January 09 2013, 05:08PM
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They will miss playoffs again.

-Below average D -Dubnyk allows 1 terrible goal a game, and his partner is a drunk. -Injuries

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#27 DSF
January 09 2013, 05:14PM
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cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan wrote:

BUT DSF SAID THE WILD WERE SO GOOD AND THE OILERS SUCKED SUCH BIG BALLS

Pittsburgh Penguins 8/1

New York Rangers 17/2

Vancouver Canucks 9/1

Los Angeles Kings 12/1

Philadelphia Flyers 12/1

Chicago Blackhawks 14/1

Boston Bruins 16/1

Detroit Red Wings 16/1

St. Louis Blues 16/1

MINNESOTA WILD 18/1

San Jose Sharks 20/1

Carolina Hurricanes 22/1

Washington Capitals 22/1

Buffalo Sabres 25/1

EDMONTON OILERS 25/1

Adrian Dater is on crack.

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#28 Hayek
January 09 2013, 05:15PM
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Why is RNH doing commercials for Cialis? Well at least he finally got the Mustang so his parents have more time to fool around...

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#29 justDOit
January 09 2013, 05:15PM
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@@Gingras34

But didn't you hear? SI ranked the Octane 3rd in the league!

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#30 book¡e
January 09 2013, 05:37PM
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The SI ranking is the power ranking and focuses on the short term. The Oil are expected to start strong because thier key players were playing in the AHL

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#31 dustin642
January 09 2013, 05:43PM
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How'd you find a photo of Mark Jankowski holding 26 American Dollars?

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#32 SickFloBro
January 09 2013, 05:49PM
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@David S

:P Hur hur hur.

But let's be honest, this entry is fairly insulting to the average reader. If I were an Oilers fan, I'd be embarrassed by it. It's nothing but senseless, barely coherent ranting. That's more or less what the comments section is for.

People privileged enough to be able to post articles on the Nation forum should be held to a higher standard than this.

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#33 SickFloBro
January 09 2013, 05:51PM
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@Kent Wilson

I do, but it doesn't change my opinion.

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#34 DieHard
January 09 2013, 05:55PM
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SickFloBro wrote:

:P Hur hur hur.

But let's be honest, this entry is fairly insulting to the average reader. If I were an Oilers fan, I'd be embarrassed by it. It's nothing but senseless, barely coherent ranting. That's more or less what the comments section is for.

People privileged enough to be able to post articles on the Nation forum should be held to a higher standard than this.

Sometimes a sense of humor gets you past hard to swallow things in life. Oilers on the way up and Flames on the way sideways.

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#35 SickFloBro
January 09 2013, 05:58PM
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@DieHard

Ha, you definitely have a point.

And yeah! The Oilers are definitely on the way up. They're going to be a fun team to watch over the next couple of years for sure.

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#36 book¡e
January 09 2013, 06:12PM
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SickFloBro wrote:

I do, but it doesn't change my opinion.

The first time I read a Wanye article I thought "Who is this idiot and why is he spewing his crap here". I still think that, but now I look forward to reading them.

The thing is, Wanye writes like some kind of coked up 12 year old, but he is really amazingly good at it.

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#37 chibbs
January 09 2013, 06:39PM
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DSF wrote:

Pittsburgh Penguins 8/1

New York Rangers 17/2

Vancouver Canucks 9/1

Los Angeles Kings 12/1

Philadelphia Flyers 12/1

Chicago Blackhawks 14/1

Boston Bruins 16/1

Detroit Red Wings 16/1

St. Louis Blues 16/1

MINNESOTA WILD 18/1

San Jose Sharks 20/1

Carolina Hurricanes 22/1

Washington Capitals 22/1

Buffalo Sabres 25/1

EDMONTON OILERS 25/1

Adrian Dater is on crack.

Well, the odds now have us at 16/1...

New York Rangers 8/1 Pittsburgh Penguins 8/1 Vancouver Canucks 10/1 Los Angeles Kings 12/1 Boston Bruins 14/1 Chicago Blackhawks 14/1 Philadelphia Flyers 14/1 Edmonton Oilers 16/1 St. Louis Blues 16/1 Detroit Red Wings 18/1 Minnesota Wild 18/1

http://sports.bodog.ca/sports-betting/hockey-futures.jsp

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#38 David S
January 09 2013, 06:55PM
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@SickFloBro

Funny thing is, if you ever met Wanye you'd quickly realize he's one of the smartest guys around. Smart enough to create and own the Nation Network, be one of the head honchos at Oodle Noodle and other stuff I probably shouldn't talk about on an internet site. My guess is you might even learn something during the conversation.

It's hockey. None of us commenting here are affected one iota by it in real life. It's a fricken game and that's about all. There's more than enough pretentious places where the internet is "serious business" and I for one am damn glad this isn't one of them.

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#39 T&A4Flames
January 09 2013, 07:01PM
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Matt Henderson wrote:

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED HAS US 3RD IN THE ENTIRE NHL.

3RD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF THIS CONTINUES I MIGHT NEED TO GO TO CAPS LOCK REHAB!!!!!!!!!!!!

That probably means "3rd overall pick." :)

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#40 xeno
January 09 2013, 07:03PM
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L!O!L!OL!O!L!O!!L!L!L!!L!OO!OL!L!O!L!O!L!OL?

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#41 Darrell
January 09 2013, 07:25PM
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cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan wrote:

BUT DSF SAID THE WILD WERE SO GOOD AND THE OILERS SUCKED SUCH BIG BALLS

DSF is Brian Burke and got busted playing with a sack-of-Koivu .... your fired - all makes sense !

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#42 geoilersgist
January 09 2013, 08:19PM
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@SickFloBro

I enjoy reading all the writers here, but Wanye is a breath of fresh air to read.

Side note his genius is why my child that will be born this summer will be named Baron Wanye von Gretz II boy or girl.

Its a privilege to come to this site if you don't like the article, what was that line your mother should have said to you? oh ya if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all

Haters gonna hate.

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#43 Jeff In Lethbridge
January 09 2013, 08:26PM
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well, there is no doubt that Edmonton is the best team in the past, and the best team in the future... we've been hearing both for years.

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#44 SmellOfVictory
January 09 2013, 08:30PM
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David S wrote:

Funny thing is, if you ever met Wanye you'd quickly realize he's one of the smartest guys around. Smart enough to create and own the Nation Network, be one of the head honchos at Oodle Noodle and other stuff I probably shouldn't talk about on an internet site. My guess is you might even learn something during the conversation.

It's hockey. None of us commenting here are affected one iota by it in real life. It's a fricken game and that's about all. There's more than enough pretentious places where the internet is "serious business" and I for one am damn glad this isn't one of them.

I imagine this is true. I once considered building a shrine to Wayne, but I could not find a material beautiful enough to do him justice.

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#45 Wanyes bastard child
January 09 2013, 08:35PM
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SmellOfVictory wrote:

I imagine this is true. I once considered building a shrine to Wayne, but I could not find a material beautiful enough to do him justice.

Might I recommend empty budlight cans?

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#46 David S
January 09 2013, 08:55PM
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Ahhhh...I get it now. The article is cross-posted at Flames Nation. This can not end well.

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#49 2:00 AM
January 09 2013, 09:06PM
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AHH WAYNE, MORE PEOPLE LOVE THIS ARTICLE THAN SLIGHTLY DISLIKE IT. GOOD WORK AND KEEP IT UP!

#eberleformayor

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#50 Kent Wilson
January 09 2013, 09:06PM
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@David S

It has been cross posted EVERYWHERE. Wanye likes to do that.

Comments are closed for this article.