GDB 04: THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA

Wanye
January 26 2013 12:11PM

We have a little tradition here at the Nation Network. They who win the Battle of Alberta writes the next GDB on both sites. So buckle up Flames Fans because you are going to get it and we are going to give it to you.

For far too long Edmontonians and Calgarians have battled back and forth with the same old witty jabs and name calling.  Calgary has one Cup - a bra has two. Edmonton has no running water or intelligence of any sort. You have the Stampede, we have a free hot dog lunch in the parking lot of Bonnie Doon shopping mall. Yeah, yeah yeah. We get it.

This time around we are dispensing with the usual insults and getting to the heart of the matter of what is really wrong with you Calgary.

THIS IS US - THIS IS YOU

Oooooh. We get it Calgary. You are the rich neighbours to the South with all of your money and power and fancy high rise buildings. Everyone understands that at some point in the mid 90s all of our businesses picked up and moved down Highway 2. Well guess what? We were like 8 years old when that happened. Didn't care then - didn't care now.

Frankly you did us a favour Calgary. We will never figure out how jedi mind tricked the bulk of our corporate douchebags to pack up their drycleaned belongings and move three hours away but we thank you.

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

Good riddance.

US v YOU

Speaking of Flames fans where have they gone? We seem to remember a whole mess of people filing into your Red Mile during your ill fated Cup run. People all over the were quick to cheer for "KIPPPPPERRRRRRRR" and "IGGGGGYYY" and Company. And yet nowdays there don't seem to be nearly as many people up repping the flaming C.

That's probably because the bulk of people following aren't really Flames fans. They are sports consumers. When the milk is fresh you are all happy to have a glass. When the milk goes sour - no one will come within a hundred miles.

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it. Doesn't matter if the Oilers finish in last place every year until the end of time. Oilers fans are in the business of living and dying with the team. Anyone with any hockey sense at all would have abandoned this team years ago and yet here we are millions strong all around the world.

And luckily the Oil are on the verge of being awesome. While Calgary is going to gently float down to the bottom of the league until your 33 NTCs expire in 2035.

STILL US STILL YOU

Looking at your roster - who is there even to get excited about?! Iginla in the prime of the twilight of his fine career? Pfft. Steve Begin? Jiri Hudler? Who the hell are any of these old bastards anyway? There is literally not a single player on your entire roster that we could possibly get excited about. Anyone skilled is old. Anyone young is marginal. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

We remember when we were trying to convince ourselves that players like Roman Cervenka were going to be the answer. Our Cervenka had names like Cole and O'Sullivan. We hoped and prayed late into the night that they could find something deep down within themselves and become awesome. And guess what - it didn't work.

It never works. Your roster was built around a core and that core expired about 4 years ago. Now you are like the guy who went all in on a 5-3 offsuit with a hunch "things were going to look better after the flop." Well the flop came up all Kings and now you have nothing left to do but play out your hand.

And lose.

Losers.

AND SO IN CLOSING

There is literally nothing you can do to win this battle Flames fans. Even if the Oilers lose (and they may) they are still the far superior team and we both know it. Even if the Flames win by 10 goals it will be no more satisfying than being given a free shrimp cocktail at a banquet on the Titanic. You are headed to the bottom and everyone on board is starting to sense disaster.

And there isn't an insult in the book you can lob our way that will have any impact. Yes we are  your hillbilly cousins up Highway 2. We are eternal optimists who have had a crap team and lacked the brain stem or the reality check to realize it. Now after being rewarded for coming in last for so long we have an embarassment of riches for a lineup and 18 year old Russian superstars sliding all over while we lose our drunken minds in celebration.

Its all happening up here and nothing is happening down there and you would be madder except that most of your bandwagon jumping fans have left long ago. Perhaps we should lend you the terms "ELPH" and "Shitanusly bad hockey." They got us through some dark days.

Oh and it's Wayne Gretzky's birthday today. Remember him?

GAME DAY PREDICTION: This is as easy to predict as getting some drunk Calgary tramp girl to flash her boobs during the only Cup run Calgarians will witness in the next two decades...Oilers win 5-2.

OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: One thing Flames and Oiler fans can agree on is it is great not having Mark Lee call the game on HNIC. Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly reffing the game. They are as blind as the guys who thought every Calgary tramp girl who flashed on the red mile was hot.

NOT-SO-OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: During the second period one of the mics at ice level picks up the audio from a conversation between Jarome Iginla and Jordan Eberle.

"Hey Ebs, tell Tambo I'd gladly waive my non-trade clause and come play with you guys." Eberle smiles and replies, "You betcha, but I hope you are okay playing on the 2nd line." Iginla smiles, "No problem, at least I'd have a chance to make the playoffs again." Within moment the Nations blow up with talk of a possible trade. Flames fans start calling him "Judas", while Oiler fans calmly sit back knowing that Iginla speaks the truth.

Thanks to Gregor for giving me his Game Day Predictions

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
Avatar
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
14
props

FIST BEATDOWN OF THE FLAMES COMING UP IN 8 HOURS!

Avatar
#2 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
5
props

Edited with love by Wanye

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Avatar
#4 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

@Bicepus Maximus - Peter, The Great. Potter, the Goat.

GAAAAH!

Quick Draw McGraw over here.

Avatar
#5 CopperBlueBalls
January 26 2013, 12:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
4
props

The Flames are winners of giant piles of dog crap. :) I ALWAYS HAVE TO KICK WANYE OUT OF THE PINT DT BECAUSE HE GIVES FLAMES FANS THE PEOPLES ELBOW.

Avatar
#6 Mark-LW
January 26 2013, 12:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

#EatSh!tFlames

Avatar
#7 Jordan Nugent-Hallkins
January 26 2013, 12:23PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

I can't wait another 8 hours...

Avatar
#8 Lowetide
January 26 2013, 12:23PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

Two epic posts from Wanye in 24 hours, but this one is majestic. Holy. The photos alone are stunning.

Avatar
#9 FireOnIce
January 26 2013, 12:23PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Haha this is fantastic. I'm sure, as a Flames fan, we'll be seeing many more of these to come over the next few seasons (8 per season, 20 game win streak over the Flames). Make sure they're all top notch like this and it might ease the pain. Might.

Pretty sure your fans are still 8 year olds though. That first comment, all in caps, and the stupid fisting, makes it seem like you (from your picture) truly are the throbbing bunch of teens, high on ecstasy, and unable to do more than sweat and grope upon a poor innocent female dubstep fan.

That being said, GO FLAMES!

Avatar
#10 K_Mart
January 26 2013, 12:26PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

Happy birthday Gretz, also my pops' bday today.

Also. WHERE DID IGINLA GET THAT AXE??

Avatar
#11 funkyjaman
January 26 2013, 12:27PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Man I wish I could actually read this dribble but unfortunately I don't speak Co@# Sucker!

Avatar
#12 Crispy
January 26 2013, 12:29PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

Wow is ON the only nation anyone reads? There are barely any comments on the Canucks, leafs, and jets articles as well.

Avatar
#13 Sincity1976
January 26 2013, 12:30PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

I think you forgot the game part of the game day thread. What an Edmonton like thing to do.

In terms of the rest, Calgary is a bigger/nicer/better city ... check. Calgary spends less time on the internet ... okay. The Flames are built around an expired core ... no kidding. The Oiler's have sucked so long that they are immune to insults and like sour milk ... good for you.

Can I have my three minutes back?

Avatar
#14 RKD
January 26 2013, 12:30PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Indian Gold!

Alright Wanye, we get your point. Let me see, the Flames beat the Oilers 4 times last season with some strong physical play. The Oilers took the last 2 which definitely helped in our cause to not make the playoffs.

Darryl Sutter's defensive system paralyzed the Oilers 2 nights ago. The Kings took too many penalties and special teams did them in. Note, how to beat the Oilers: play very well defensively.

Of course OilersNation has more site visits, if the Flames had 5 really talented first round picks it would go the other way. Didn't Dubnyk surrender 6 goals in a single period?

Avatar
#15 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 12:33PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Avatar
#16 Rama Lama
January 26 2013, 12:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

I live in Calgary and cheer for Edmonton! The last thing I want to see is gloating after three games of hockey.

Nothing needs to be said, everyone in Calgary is aware that the Oilers are re-building with youth.

What made the rivalry special back when the " real Wayne", was dominating, was that both teams were really good! We should be praying that Calgary improves so we can once again experience the best hockey played in the world!

Avatar
#17 Mike Krushelnyski
January 26 2013, 12:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
8
props

I have stared into the face of your nightmare, Calgary. It has big teeth and its name is Taylor.

Avatar
#18 Travis Dakin
January 26 2013, 12:35PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

8 years old in the mid 90's?

#math

Avatar
#19 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:35PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

@FireOnIce

HEY! I DONT LIKE YOUR TEAM VERY MUCH!

ALSO, YOU SMELL!

Avatar
#20 Gerald R. Ford
January 26 2013, 12:40PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

Possibly the greatest GDB ever. It's only sullied by the peripheral reference to P.O.S., whose vile name I thought had been forever stricken from the Nation's records. Someone should get on that...

Avatar
#21 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:43PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
5
props

"Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly effing the game."

I'm not sure if you meant to say "reffing" or not. "Effing" is probably gonna be more accurate.

Avatar
#22 CopperBlueBalls
January 26 2013, 12:45PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Smytty's Jibs wrote:

"Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly effing the game."

I'm not sure if you meant to say "reffing" or not. "Effing" is probably gonna be more accurate.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Avatar
#23 geoilersgist
January 26 2013, 12:46PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

THIS WAS AMAZING GO OILERS!!!

#EATSH!TFLAMES

Avatar
#24 Puritania
January 26 2013, 12:48PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
14
props

OMG I COME ONTO MY FAN SITE AND AM TOLD TO EAT SH*T? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. WHO LET THIS CLOWN WRITE AN ARTICLE? THE OWNER OF THIS SITE WOULD BE PISSED IF HE SAW THIS TRAVESTY!

Avatar
#25 Graham
January 26 2013, 12:49PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

I don't get the criticism for trying to be competitive while also re-building. I'd say that's the ideal route to take, no? I definitely don't understand the "Flames should blow it up and suck for 5 years" just because that's how it was done in Edmonton. Before you get too excited: the Edmonton rebuild hasn't yet reached a successful conclusion. I expect it will eventually, but most intelligent leaders wouldn't deliver a brutal product for 5 years in order to have a *chance* at something special. Well done Tambo. That guy has hockey AND business intelligence!

The old and slow beaks are getting a bit, well... old and slow. Iginla and Kiprusoff are in their mid-30s - correct. However, the Flames are actually 14th in the league in terms of age. Their prospect "cupboard" has actually come a long way in the last 3 years. Not that anyone outside of Calgary pays any attention to it - but that's just fine.

Anyone skilled is old, anyone young is marginal? The Oilers have done a magnificent job selecting the best prospect in the draft over the last several years. I get that most of your team is still in diapers, and most of them will become very good players, but it's ignorant to assume other teams don't have good young players too. Baertschi, Backlund and Brodie are pretty solid players in their early 20s. Comparing Cervenka to Patrick O'Sullivan is a joke. And Eric Cole? He's done pretty well everywhere outside of his short stint in Edmonton - as has Lupul. Just because things don't work out in Edmonton doesn't mean they don't anywhere - that's pretty uninformed.

I'm glad the battle of Alberta is back. All of these "old and slow losers" were having a hard time getting up for games against Edmonton. It's tough to be motivated when you're casually winning 85% of the games.

Avatar
#26 justDOit
January 26 2013, 12:50PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

GDP: I'm going to hear more Maroon 5 being played over the saddledome ghetto-blaster between plays.

NSOGDP: My mute button gets the lettering worn off tonight.

Avatar
#27 bookofloob
January 26 2013, 12:52PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Maybe instead of spending all this disposable Calgary income on ANOTHER condo in Phoenix, I'll come up to Edmonton and buy a share in the Oilers off of Mr. Katz (truly a great man and shrews business tycoon)

Then I will hire away Mr. Yakupov and make him a cabana boy at the pool near one of my Phoenix condos.

Avatar
#28 And now a yak...
January 26 2013, 12:58PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

Chill out Flames fans...here's something to look forward to tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4mjUTBXnPQ

Avatar
#29 Derzie
January 26 2013, 01:02PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

As a Flames fan (sigh), this smack talk is straight up brilliant. Touche' my hillbilly friend. Touche'.

Avatar
#30 Dave
January 26 2013, 01:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

@RKD

You're only making it harder for yourself. Yeah, Dubnyk had 1 bad period, but the Flames haven't won a *single game* this season and the future only looks bleaker. Pretty hilarious that your going at us for one bad period without any wins. Although while we are talking about solid defense: did you know the Flames have given up more goals than the Oilers?

Also, I liked how you crapped on us for our "bad" game against the Kings where they paralyzed us with good solid defense yet we actually scored more goals than they did. Count on a Flames fan to praise great defense of a losing team in a 2-1 game... you've forgotten what winning looks like.

But seriously: best of luck drafting Nathan MacKinnon - he's a dynamic player - the sort of guy you could get excited about.

Avatar
#31 Johe
January 26 2013, 01:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
11
props

It's January and Calgary doesn't have a win! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabahahahaha!

Avatar
#32 jeremywilhelm
January 26 2013, 01:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Solid as ever Wanye. And nary a disagreement on my part.

Avatar
#33 yawto
January 26 2013, 01:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
10
props
Sincity1976 wrote:

I think you forgot the game part of the game day thread. What an Edmonton like thing to do.

In terms of the rest, Calgary is a bigger/nicer/better city ... check. Calgary spends less time on the internet ... okay. The Flames are built around an expired core ... no kidding. The Oiler's have sucked so long that they are immune to insults and like sour milk ... good for you.

Can I have my three minutes back?

Can I have my three minutes back? Bet you hear that often.

Hopefully your team does a better job at competing than you do at trying to be witty. #flamessuck

Oiler domination to follow.

Avatar
#34 Twiggs
January 26 2013, 01:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Annnnd this is why I love the Nation. Beauty GDB Wanye, here's hoping Yak gets to try out a few more cellys in Calgary tonight! Oh and the Calgary flames are really no good and such.

Avatar
#35 Pharmboy
January 26 2013, 01:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

Thanks Wanye, that was the funniest post I have ever read at this site.

Avatar
#36 You-Got-It-Right
January 26 2013, 01:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

@Rama Lama

I totally agree but not for a couple years at least as I want revenge on all those flamers who attacked me over and over again then we can make peace !!!! lol

Avatar
#37 Hall for Captain
January 26 2013, 01:17PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Smytty's Jibs wrote:

"Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly effing the game."

I'm not sure if you meant to say "reffing" or not. "Effing" is probably gonna be more accurate.

THIS

Avatar
#38 Pharmboy
January 26 2013, 01:19PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

Only a flames fan would say that fisting is stupid. On this site it is a requirement!

Edit: And there is nothing wrong with groping teen girls (if your not married- oilers fans have some morals) - just keep your hands off my livestock flames fans :(

Avatar
#39 Archaeologuy
January 26 2013, 01:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
8
props

Who remembers this?

“I’m sorry — Edmonton finished where last year, caller? Want to wager on where we finish relative to Edmonton this year? I’m tired of this question, I’ll tell you very honestly. I’m getting a little sour. How many teams . . . every year, for the last 10 years, five years, eight years, have finished in the bottom five, bottom seven, bottom 10? They’ve had a pick anywhere from No. 1 to No. 10 year after year after year after year, and they still wander in the desert. And they’re no closer to getting out than they were 10 years ago. “You know what? I look forward to the Battle of Alberta for the next X number of years. If the idea is, ‘Burn it to the ground,’ then Ken can find another manager to do it.”

Turns out "X" stands for "1" in that Feaster equation.

Avatar
#40 Muji
January 26 2013, 01:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Oilers were better in the past. Oilers will be better in the future. Who cares about the present. Suck it Flames!!

Avatar
#41 coco crisp
January 26 2013, 01:24PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

@Graham

Patrick O'Sullivan is accurate.

Avatar
#42 Chris.
January 26 2013, 01:25PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
6
props

Game Day Prediction: The Flames dominate the first period but fail to score; then they lose the game in the second period when they allow 4 goals in a three minute span. Classic Flames Hockey. 6-2 Oiler final.

Obvious Game Day Prediction: The 10 or so Flames fans in attendance tonight who remeber the 1991 Game 6 Theo Fleury celebration will boo Yakupov for being better than Fleury in every way. Midway through the 3rd, this small, sad group of fans will go off to their homes and cry themselves to sleep still clutching baggies of viagra medication that no longer does anything for them.

Not-So-Obvious Game Day Prediction: Iginla scores a meaningless goal early in the third period and the stupid Flame Kettle gets full on stuck melting a giant hole in the ice right at the Flame blueline. Despite this: Calgary still cannot defend the Oiler transition game.

Avatar
#43 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 01:27PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

@Muji

Here, hear!

The only present I care about is the Yak jersey that i'm asking for, for Christmas!

Avatar
#44 A-Mc
January 26 2013, 01:29PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Wanye... You brought a tear to my eye.

*choked up*. *slow clap*.

Avatar
#45 Wäx Män Riley
January 26 2013, 01:31PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

EPIC GDB... just EPIC.

Some of the highlights include:

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it

And...

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

And who could forget:

Eat Sh!t (Flames)

We love you Wanye!

Avatar
#46 thebigtrain
January 26 2013, 01:35PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

From a Flames fans perspective, that is a hilarious article, and painstakingly true on all accounts. Hopefully the $8 beer will be cold tonight, as it may be needed.

Avatar
#47 Wäx Män Riley
January 26 2013, 01:36PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
4
props
Travis Dakin wrote:

8 years old in the mid 90's?

#math

I know math!

I was 8 years old when The Oilers won their 4th cup! That is 2 full bras worth of cups!

Here is more math: What does 0-2-1 equal??

The Flames winless season! hahahaa

#Eatsh!tFlames

#Math

Avatar
#48 mouthbreather
January 26 2013, 01:37PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
1
props

Suck it Flames, suck it!

Avatar
#49 bucketoffish
January 26 2013, 01:38PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Rifffing an epice air guitar SHQUEEEE I just Nail Vanhallened blue to blue.

Avatar
#50 Gerald R. Ford
January 26 2013, 01:41PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props
K_Mart wrote:

Happy birthday Gretz, also my pops' bday today.

Also. WHERE DID IGINLA GET THAT AXE??

That's not Iginla. It's a composite photo of what all those hookers who lined up on the Red Mile in '04 look like today.

Comments are closed for this article.